U.S. spy satellites recently beamed back startling information about Russia's growing experimentation with deadly fire.

      CAPE CANAVERAL, FL--U.S. satellite surveillance has produced clear evidence that the Russians have developed the technology to generate, implement, and contain the power of fire.

      For months, military analysts have suspected that Russian scientists were fine-tuning combustion theories and experimenting with flammable materials. But most analysts believed the Russians lacked the initial flame to start the process.

      This weekend, however, advanced infrared satellite surveillance photos revealed a test fire burning at the Sverdlovsk Defense Research Lab, a facility just east of Moscow which analysts believe to be Russia's main fire lab. Then, according to intelligence officials, the flame at the Sverdlovsk Lab went out just a few hours later, indicating that Russian scientists were unable to keep the flame burning, or that they were unable to withstand the great heat that emanates from fire. However, U.S. Defense Department sources suggest the possibility that the Russians have merely advanced to underground fire testing.

      At an emergency press conference Monday, U.S. Defense Secretary William Perry described how this new discovery threatens American security, stating that "not since the days of Khrushchev has Communist military capability been this serious a threat to world security."

      In a White House Press release, President Clinton added, "We must protect and preserve our nation's mastery of fire, so help us God in Heaven."

      Perry went on to emphasize that the Russians are a cunning and crafty people, and that Russia's ability to wage war with the United States is now a serious concern. He also said he plans to ask Congress for an additional $8 billion to improve U.S. fire technology.

      Starting today, the FBI will begin a full-scale investigation into the possibility that fire was smuggled into Russia from the United States. Investigators are trying to determine, if the fire was smuggled, how spies kept a hidden torch burning for the entire 13-hour flight to Moscow. Their working theory is that an asbestos-lined carrying case must have been used. When questioned about ineffective airport security in this matter, FBI spokesperson Kerry Soper restated the bureau's long-standing recommendation that all international airports should be equipped with wood detectors and smoke-smelling dogs to prevent such dangerous security breaches in the future.

      Economists predict that the Russians will waft in remedial experimentation for a long time before their fire technology is actually harnessed. The Russian people, they say, will have to wait a long time before they can exploit the powers of fire, which American citizens have enjoyed for over 13 years.

      Experts doubt that fire has any non-military use, such as in the fields of medicine and industry. However, fear abounds that as fire eventually makes life easier for Russians, they will be empowered to continue spreading their message of Godless Communistic world domination.

Extinguish all lighters and matches when you aren't using them. Make sure to keep them hidden in a locked safe or airtight lock-box until you need them.

Give up smoking. Any wayward butt tossed nonchalantly out a car window or onto the street is treasure for a Communist spy or smuggler. If each one of us gives up smoking, the health of the American populace would improve, thus making us more Þt to fight off the Russkies when Uncle Sam calls. The U.S. Department of Health suggests chewing tobacco as a smoking substitute.

When someone asks you for a light, refuse it--even if it's from someone you know. In these times, even your next-door neighbor could be a card-carrying Commie.

Know your firefighters. These brave men and women are as important to America's security as any Stealth Bomber pilot. Support your community's fire department, but be sure to interrogate any new firefighters as to their national loyalties and motives for joining the department.