BALTIMORE--A team of researchers at Johns Hopkins University have found
a link between the consumption of dog urine and the decreased likelihood
of heart attacks, team leaders announced Tuesday in cracking, uneven voices.
"Our research indicates that by drinking six to eight glasses of fresh dog urine per day, individuals can reduce the risk of cardiac arrest by as much as 70 percent," said Dr. Arnold Minton, covering his mouth with his hand. "This abundantly available material contains magical cardio-fluxo-medicines that strengthen the heart's mitral chambers and help keep its four aortic corridors clear of toxins and other such harmful substances."
Apologizing for his occasional laughter and explaining that the morning's Hi & Lois comic strip was "really funny," team member Dr. Dinesh Patel explained the origins of the six-hour study.
"I noticed that my dog had never had a heart attack, and I'd never heard of a dog having a heart attack, so I realized that there is what scientists call 'a cause-effect phenomenon' at work here," Patel said. "Well, it turned out it's their urine."
Patel then ran from the podium.
After being pushed to the microphone by Minton, Dr. Leonard Weiscz outlined the team's recommendations for those wishing to diminish their chance of a potentially deadly myocardial infarction: "Get yourself a dog, ideally a Labrador retriever, as the Ph level is optimal in this particular breed, and then train it to urinate into a bucket," Weiscz said. "Then, when the bucket is three-quarters to four-quarters full, lift it to your mouth and chug as quickly as you can."
Weiscz then stepped down from the podium "to examine [his] notes."
Minton said a more convenient form of the active ingredients in dog urine will likely one day be synthesized for an over-the-counter medication, but he stressed that such a breakthrough is at least 10 to 15 years down the road.
"For now, you need a dog--excuse me a moment," said Minton, doubling over and inhaling sharply. "And a bucket."
According to the Johns Hopkins team, for maximum effectiveness, the urine should not be mixed with any other substance.
"Drink it straight," said Weiscz, wiping his eyes with a handkerchief. "Don't mix it with anything, not even water."
The group then called for a short break in the press conference. Returning after five minutes with somber faces, the scientists revealed more of their findings, including their suggestion that the urine be consumed "right out in public."
"It's also important to yell out, 'Ah, that's some tasty dog pee!' as soon as you're done," said Minton, his chest visibly shaking. "I should know. I'm a trained medical professional."
Turning to the panel of scientists behind him, Minton shouted, "Shut up, you guys!"
Upon the conclusion of Minton's remarks, the floor was opened to questions. The first came from Washington Post reporter Ken Coultier, who asked the researchers to discuss their own dog-urine-consumption habits.
"I wouldn't drink dog piss," Patel responded.
Coultier then asked the researcher to explain why, if urine reduces the risk of heart attacks, he would choose not to follow his own advice.
"I don't have to drink it," Patel said. "I'm not in a high-risk group."
"Why don't you drink some?" added Patel before calling for an end to the question-and-answer session.
Tuesday's announcement is believed to be the most significant medical breakthrough
from the Johns Hopkins team since its 1997 discovery that a grape stuffed
in the left nostril for 48 hours will lower blood pressure by 30 percent.